I was one of those people who thought it wouldn’t happen to them; me and my family didn’t realize just how much something like this happens, until it happens to yourself… I am hoping that by telling what i went through it spreads awareness and for others to know they are not alone.
So, here is my story……
It had taken me and my partner nearly 5 years to fall pregnant; I had taken at least 200 test in those years, each time hoping and praying for 1 day to see those 2 blue lines come up, and each time I felt a dark cloud come over me when they always came back negative, until 1 day there they were the 2 perfect blue lines. I couldn’t believe it: I was pregnant.
At 7 weeks I started to get a lot of pain in my side to the point where I called NHS24 and I was told to come in. After they checked me over, they thought it could be an optoptic pregnancy but needed to wait until morning before I could get a scan; so I got kept in over night. 7.30 am came and I had my scan as I holded my partners’hand and to scared to look at the screen. The girls said there was heart beat. I was so relieved! Then she said and there was a second heart beat: it was twins and everything looked fine. I was so happy that everything was OK, but so scared as well. After the shock wore off, I couldn’t wait for them to be here, my wee family would be complete! I got a scan every 2 weeks as they were identical twins. They shared the same placenta, but had their own sack and there could be a chance of twin to twin transfusions; but each scan showed that everything was fine. I got my 20 weeks scan 4 days before Christmas and they were growing as they should.
Christmas day me and my partner went to my mum’s to have Christmas dinner where my brother was with his family. This was the first time we had got together at my mum’s for Christmas so we were all looking forward to it. At 1.15 pm it was just myself left to hand out presents and as I stood up to hand them out…my waters broke and at first we all stared at each other. Then quickly realised something was wrong. When at the hospital I got a scan and the words that no-one would ever want to hear: “I am sorry there is no heart beats”. At first I didn’t believe them and I still had that little hope that they were wrong. I got taken to a lovely room where there were 2 beds a couch and tea and coffee, but little did I know at that time that room was only meant for things like this. This is where i would be delivering my baby’s. I couldn’t believe I would have to go through this and I didn’t think I would have to deliver them, don’t know what I thought to be honest…
I had to wait for contractions to begin on their own, then at 3 o’clock in the morning I begged for something to help start me, which they finally agreed; then at 5 am I started to fell pain; that’s where it hit me that soon I wouldn’t be able to protect them anymore.
At first i pretended to push as I didn’t want to let them go, but at 8.15 twin 1 was born, then twin 2 at 9.20 am. I kept repeating in my head “please cry please just 1 wee cry” but no the room was quiet and even though there were lots of people there it felt empty to me. The midwife had taken the girls to clean them up and dress them while I got cleaned up and when the midwife brought them into the room I couldn’t look at first and just cried in my partners’ arms. I didn’t know what to expect but finally we looked in the basket and OMG they were just perfect and just looked like they were sleeping and they were just little. We spoke to them, told them stories, got pictures and hand and foot prints. We got to spend as long as we wanted to, thanks to the cold cot. We also got a baby box from Sands which really helped. It had lots in it and they mean so much to us. Then the time came to choosing funeral details. That is where I learned that we wouldn’t be getting a birth or death certificate because they weren’t passed 24 weeks. I am sorry but if i had to deliver and buried my twins then surely they should be recognised as part of this world….
The moment came when it was time to go home and as I walked out the hospital doors seeing new parents taking their babies home, there was me holding a memory box as tears streamed down my face. For a while after that I still thought I was pregnant and still felt movements. Each day was a struggle and some days I wished I went with my girls…anything to stop the pain and guilt I felt. We picked out a lovely pink coffin and I put my teddy in with them that I had for 27 years; so it was like I was there with them and my engagement ring with some photos. I miss my girls each and every day and so what if they weren’t passed 24 weeks: they are still my babies! Talking about them really helped and the support from Sands was amazing. So anyone who has went through anything like this please talk about it, celebrate the birthdays/due date and if you were thinking about trying again but are too scared, please do it as that felling of wanting to be a parent will never go away and you won’t be replacing your Angel. I now have a health 5 months old son and I tell him all about his big sisters, so there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Always loved never forgotten- Laura and Lucy 26/11/17 mummy and daddy love you so very much, until we meet again my precious angels xxx